[The sound of applause fills the room as the winner approaches the stage, adjusting their tuxedo or gown nervously. They take a deep breath before speaking into the microphone with a weird grin.]

Me: “Wow, thank you! I feel like I just won the award for ‘Most Surprised Expression’! Seriously, my face is doing things I didn’t know it was capable of right now.

First off, I want to thank the Golden Globes for giving me this shiny new book support… I mean, award. It’s going straight to the book shelf, right next to that condescending participation trophy from my acting study group.

Next, a massive thank you to my family for always believing in me, even when I decided to pursue a career in interpretive dance for cats. Yes, I’m still convinced it’s a thing! No matter how movie attempts might fail with the concept.

To my agent, thank you for convincing me to take that role where I played a psychotic pigeon for two hours straight. You said it would be my ‘breakthrough’ and, well, here we are!

Of course, none of this would be possible without the incredible cast and crew. You guys are like family to me, except we spend more time together than I do with my actual family and bitching less.

And lastly, to my fans, thank you for your unwavering support. Without you, I’d just be another person yelling into the void… which, let’s be honest, I still do on Twitter sometimes.

Alright, I’ll wrap this up before the orchestra starts playing me off. Thank you! And remember, folks, never underestimate the power of a dream… or a really good wig! Goodnight!”

[The audience erupts into polite, forced laughter, in cringe, and applause as the winner exits the stage, trophy in hand. The relief. He’s gone!]